Surgical (aspiration) abortion in the first trimester
11 Weeks
I had my abortion or got my abortion pills from a local hospital or independent health clinic
I discovered I was pregnant at 5 weeks.
I was nervous, I already had a 3 year old, but excited and so happy.
I was excited to be having another baby, my then partner and I started discussing marriage, names, etc. I was over the moon, he was my person and I wanted him and our little family forever.
Initially we were excited, but it all came crashing down. We’d met in recovery, and he relapsed. He was a heroin addict, the pressure became too great and he started using again. I couldn’t raise two children with someone in active addiction, and I couldn’t bring a child into the world with a parent struggling like that.
Who was the most supportive or helpful person in your life during and after your abortion?
My partner was supportive until the procedure came. He left me in the clinic alone so he could go get high. I wasn’t entirely sure of my decision to terminate until that moment. Nobody. I was alone afterward. I didn’t tell anyone else.
Describe your overall abortion experience:
Sadness. Scared. Relief.
I woke up, angry I couldn’t have a cigarette prior to facing the protesters. I was scheduled for a surgical, and had to be there at 8:30, to sit there all day and go through the motions. I’m fortunate to live in a state that requires antis to stay x amount of feet away, but they had bullhorns so ignoring them was futile. We pulled up, and I checked in. There were about 6 girls in there with their partners, nobody was making eye contact and it was so silent, aside from the VHS player in the corner. We sat down and prepared to wait all day. They began calling us back one by one. We all went through the same steps before we could move to the next. First was bloodwork, we all went one by one. Then the ultrasound. I wasn’t made to hear a heartbeat, or see the screen. I just had to stare at the ceiling, where they placed a nice little floral picture for us to stare at. I wanted to look. I didn’t want this abortion, but I knew it was right. I fought off every urge to peek, I knew if I did I’d run out of the clinic. After the ultrasound I came back. Now it was my turn to wait to see the counselor on staff. At this point we’d been there a few hours, and my partner said he “forgot something at home” and would be back in 45 minutes. I was shocked, but said okay. I’d be here awhile anyway. He came back almost 2 hours later, nodding out. He had left me there to do heroin, as I was sitting in the counselors office questioning if this was the right choice for me. I knew at that moment, everything was over. I then waited for my turn to get the procedure, I sat in a small room where I undressed and held a clean pair of underwear in my hand to give to the nurse. I finally got called back, I laid on the table and immediately began shaking. The doctor calmed me down, told me everything would be okay. It was freezing in there, and I just wanted it to be over with. I got twilight anesthesia, and it felt like I was asleep for 30 seconds. I woke up with clean underwear and a pad in, and sat in recovery eating graham crackers and drinking apple juice. I was given my antibiotics, and walked out to meet my partner. As we walked out, I noticed the protesters were gone. I guess they give up after awhile, maybe they have better hobbies in the afternoon. I don’t regret my abortion, I only regret getting pregnant so early in recovery, with someone just as fragile as I was. I’d never be where I am today if it weren’t for that choice, and for that I’m eternally grateful.
What were your expectations of yourself and others?
I expected to feel more sad than I did. I expected my partner to be supportive. I expected, and received, compassion and kindness from the staff.
In this section, describe your feelings at the time you had your abortion.
I felt like I was doing the right thing. There wasn’t a second guess in my mind. I didn’t feel bad, I didn’t feel sad. I just felt like I knew that this was the path I was supposed to take.
What about after the abortion? Did your feelings change? What was happening that made you feel this way?
The only feelings that changed were the ones I’d had for my partner. I tried being empathetic toward his relapse, but he was not supportive, or caring. It proved to me that I’d made the correct choice, and affirmed that I’d chosen correctly.
What about the feelings of others?
My partner was probably overwhelmed, but managed to shut his feelings off by using drugs. Maybe that’s selfish, but I harbor resentments toward him for that. He had a lot going on though, and I know this didn’t help. The abortion provider herself, she seemed busy but also like she had time to comfort each of us. She was so caring, and my favorite part of that day.
In what way did the choices you made meet your goals for yourself? Do you think the choices you made were aligned with your goals or were they different?
The choice I made allowed me to have the life I have now. Had I not made that choice, I’d have been saddled with 2 children, alone, and dirt poor. I’m currently working toward becoming a nurse midwife, I have three amazing children, we own a house, and I have the greatest husband. And this is only 6 years after my abortion, I imagine I’ll go a lot further. "I could have had the baby, but I’d be setting them up for failure before they were born. I didn’t want a child to suffer having a parent in active addiction, or early recovery always on the verge of relapsing.
What other choices were available to you and why do you think you did not choose them?
I suppose adoption was a choice, but not one that I often thought of, if at all. I couldn’t go through a pregnancy just to hand the baby over.
What do you feel now, looking back on the event? If your feelings have changed, how have they changed and why do you think that is?
My feelings haven’t changed much. I felt relief after I terminated, and I still feel grateful for the choice I made. I learned that high stress situations show people’s true colors. I learned that I can’t truly rely on anyone else, aside from myself. And most importantly, it’s okay to be selfish and put myself and my dreams first. Just to not have too many expectations, because you can be let down. The only thing I’d change would be to have told a close friend about it, and have them be my person for the day.
What have you learned about yourself and others as a result of this experience and the way you feel about it?
It empowered me. It made me want to do more, and not settle just because it’s easier. Yes, my abortion experience was a catalyst for new goals and a new outlook on life
What have you learned about yourself and others as a result of this experience and the way you feel about it?
I’ve learned that it’s important to be true to myself when making choices. At the end of the day, my choices impact me, and I can be in control of them.
What would your expectations be now?
I’m at a different point in my life, so my choices may be different. If my circumstances were different, I’d absolutely choose the same.
I changed my priorities about what is important in life.
I have a greater appreciation for the value of my own life.
I have developed new interests.
I have a greater feeling of self-reliance.
I more clearly see who I can count on in times of trouble.
I established a new path for my life.
I am more willing to express my emotions.
I know that I can handle difficulties.
I can do better things with my life.
I can better appreciate each day.
New opportunities are available to me which wouldn’t have been otherwise.
I have more compassion for others.
I put more effort into my relationships.
I am more likely to try to change things that need changing.
I have stronger faith in myself.
I discovered that I’m stronger than I thought I was.
I better accept needing others.