I Miss Them.

12 weeks

Surgical (aspiration) abortion in the first trimester

I had my abortion or got my abortion pills from Planned Parenthood


When did you discover you were pregnant?

I was around 4 or 5 weeks pregnant. I took a pregnancy test at work and my life changed forever.


Was the pregnancy planned?

Yes


What was the very first thought in your mind when that pregnancy test was positive?

Yes! My sweet baby you're here



Describe how you felt in the days after you realized you were pregnant.

I was nauseous but happy. There was joy until my HG symptoms started becoming more severe.



What factors did you consider when making a choice?

I thought of my living children while making my decisions. I also kept myself into consideration as well.



Did the person who got you pregnant support you during your abortion?

No



What is the nature of your relationship with the person who got you pregnant?

In partnership



Did you experience morning sickness or nausea as a symptom of your pregnancy?

Yes, and it was debilitating and unmanageable



Who was the most supportive or helpful person or resource during your choice-making process?

Myself



Who was the most supportive or helpful person in your life during and after your abortion?

My boyfriend (the baby's father)



Describe your overall abortion experience using three words:

I miss them



Describe your abortion experience:

I did not count how many times I was in the emergency department at the hospital due to Hyperemesis Gravidarum. I remember sitting outside in the cold when I scheduled my abortion procedure.---I checked into planned parenthood. It hurt paying for this procedure for them to take my baby away. -- I vomited during my wait. I felt like death was pulling me under. I was so sick.--_ When it was my turn, I felt nervous. I didn't know what to expect...except my baby would be gone and the pregnancy ended.



What were your expectations of yourself and others?

I expected nothing of myself or anyone else, except that there pregnancy needed to end. That's all I expected.



In this section, describe your feelings at the time you had your abortion.

I was numb...like being in a surreal survival mode.



What about after the abortion? Did your feelings change? What made you feel this way?

I felt much relief from Hyperemesis Gravidarum. I felt guilty for feeling relief...my baby was dead, how could I feel relief... But I also would be numb. Numb to reality and eventually I became depressed. My mental health struggled deeply.



What about the feelings of others? While you might not know exactly what they were feeling, can you explain what you think they might have been feeling?

Everyone seemed cold and mechanical. This was just another day for them. This was "the day" for my baby. I really didn't notice much other than that. I was so sick from the smells and sounds and even thr temperature of the room. The breeze from the door opening and shutting was a big focus for me.



In what way did the choices you made meet your goals for yourself? Were the choices you made aligned with your goals?

Yes. My choices were assigned with my goals (for termination).... However, my decision to terminate was not aligned with my goals for the pregnancy.... I wanted to bring my baby home, But I also wanted to live. D*mned if I did and d*mned if I don't.



What other choices were available? Why do you think you did not choose them?

The other choice for the pregnancy was too continue and risk my life. I didn't choose that for many personal reasons.



What do you feel now, looking back on the event? If your feelings have changed, how have they changed and why do you think that is?

I still grieve my losses (I've had multiple abortions) I missed them then and I miss them now.



What have you learned about yourself and others as a result of this experience and the way you feel about it?

I never thought much about abortion until I needed it. It will always be (in my eyes) one of the most heartbreaking procedures someone can experience.



What would your expectations be now?

I have none.


If you were able to go back in time, what would you do differently? What different choices would you make or different actions you would take?

I would seek more medical attention, or ask my partner for more help. It's just so difficult to think straight when you're starving and vomiting excessively.



In what ways has your abortion experience changed you?

There was "before" me and "after" me.


Have your goals changed as a result of your abortion experience?

Yes


Yes, after my abortion I abandoned my goals and dreams

Yes, after my abortion I question absolutely everything about myself, my beliefs, and my future

Yes, my abortion experience was a catalyst for new goals and a new outlook on life



What have you learned about your ability to make choices?

I can make life altering choices


Will you make the same choices in the future?

I won't...because i can longer get pregnant.



I changed my priorities about what is important in life.

I have a greater appreciation for the value of my own life.

I more clearly see who I can count on in times of trouble.

I established a new path for my life.

I have a greater sense of closeness with others.

I am more willing to express my emotions.

I know that I can handle difficulties.

New opportunities are available to me which wouldn’t have been otherwise.

I have more compassion for others.

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I can do anything.

I practically skipped out the door. I was overjoyed to no longer be pregnant and oh so relieved.

It woke me up.

I feel grateful for my two unborn children, for not only waking me the FUCK up, but for allowing me to live my life