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Never again.

8 Weeks

Surgical (aspiration) abortion in the first trimester

I had my abortion or got my abortion pills from Planned Parenthood

When did you discover you were pregnant?

May 26, 2020

What was the very first thought in your mind when that pregnancy test was positive?

I'm sorry

Describe how you felt in the days after you realized you were pregnant.

I desperately wanted to be a mother, but the father and I kept looking at the POSITIVE test as a negative

What factors did you consider when making a choice?

Doing it alone wouldn't be possible, I was pregnant with twins and being interracial I wouldn't be able to teach them all of themselves alone

My morning sickness was debilitating and unmanageable

Who was the most supportive or helpful person or resource during your choice-making process?

He was the only one who helped me to that choice

Who was the most supportive or helpful person in your life during and after your abortion?

We stopped talking for a few day's after the abortion because I said some nasty thing's but I didn't really talk to anyone, I just cried a lot

Describe your overall abortion experience

Never again

I woke up early that morning around 6:30 am, he was skipping work that day to take me to my appointment at 9:40 am it was about an hour drive away. We didn't really speak during the drive I was scared and torn. I've always wanted to have a family but in my mind this was the only way I could protect them. I couldn't gamble if he was going to stay in our life or not, I'm sure he would of stayed but I couldn't have him be miserable. I did it solely for our happiness as a couple, we have a lot of growth that need's to happen before raising a family. So when we pulled up I cried a little bit because I was scared about my surgical abortion. He reassured me everything will be okay and he's right here. He couldn't come in because of COVID. The appointment took 4 hours in total. My anxiety was high I wanted to be in and out as quickly as possible, but that's not what planned parenthood had in store. I rejected to see my twins in the ultrasound- I would of bailed. I knew I had twins from a hospital visit not feeling well a couple days before my procedure. I immediately thought I couldn't do it when I found out it was twins, if I had to be a single parent one would possibly be swingable, but not two. After hours of waiting I was finally put into the room where I would lose my babies. It was a typical medical room with a large open legged chair, my thoughts went to "I wonder how many babies have disappeared here" and immediately got sad. They came in to give me my medication to help calm me down and within 10 minutes they were setting me up. They put in the clamp, a couple rods for dilation then when the cervix opened it hurt a lot. I felt the little tubes every movement, I felt it suck out my babies. I. Felt. It. All. This wrecked my mental state. I felt like such a failure, everything I've ever wanted and I get it taken away electively? We drove home I cried, I wanted him to grieve with me but with my hormones I couldn't comprehend that he didn't have the same attachment to our children as I did. He never met them nor seen them. He dropped me off at my house after we ate I asked if he was coming back tonight because I needed him and he said maybe. I had no idea he was suffering from heat exhaustion because his car couldn't stay on the entire time for those 4 hours. I seen him on xbox that night and got so upset that he wasn't replying to me I joined and was very angry and snippy with him. He showed up but emotionless. I basically attacked him for not feeling anything for the death of our children. I was absolutely a hormonal mess with zero empathy with anyone besides myself. I just wanted my feelings to be validated and told that everything will be okay. It was a horrible day I will never forget. I can only hope I forgive myself one day.

What were your expectations of yourself and others?

I expected my partner to grieve with me

In this section, describe your feelings at the time you had your abortion. What about after your abortion?

Failure, Not worthy of motherhood

What about the feelings of others?

My partner was emotionless. He is an extremely calm person.

In what way did the choices you made meet your goals for yourself? Do you think the choices you made were aligned with your goals or were they different?

My goals are so messed up now. I dream of being a mother every single night now, I see my twins older.

What other choices were available to you and why do you think you did not choose them?

I could of moved out of state with my mother for help but then the father wouldn't ever see his children which is unacceptable for me.

What do you feel now, looking back on the event? If your feelings have changed, how have they changed and why do you think that is?

I wish we seen a positive test in a positive light. Life is so beautiful.

What have you learned about yourself and others as a result of this experience and the way you feel about it?

I will never get another abortion and I need to see thing's with more positivity.

What would your expectations be now?

I will never get another abortion and I need to see thing's with more positivity.

If you were able to go back in time, what would you do differently? What different choices would you make or different actions you would take?

I would share the news with positivity and not immediately apologizing for being pregnant constantly.

In what ways has your abortion experience changed you?

I try to be more positive

Yes, my abortion experience was a catalyst for new goals and a new outlook on life

Will you make the same choices in the future? What will you do differently? In what ways will you stay the same?

I will not make the same choice. I will see it in a positive light.

I changed my priorities about what is important in life.

I have a greater appreciation for the value of my own life.

I have a greater feeling of self-reliance.

I have a better understanding of my spiritual beliefs.

I know that I can handle difficulties.

I can do better things with my life.

New opportunities are available to me which wouldn’t have been otherwise.

I have more compassion for others.

I put more effort into my relationships.

I am more likely to try to change things that need changing.

I discovered that I’m stronger than I thought I was.

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I can do anything.

I practically skipped out the door. I was overjoyed to no longer be pregnant and oh so relieved.

It woke me up.

I feel grateful for my two unborn children, for not only waking me the FUCK up, but for allowing me to live my life


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